Choosing Connection Over Comfort: Why We Reach for the Students Who Need Us Most

It's Not About Who You Like, It's About Who Needs You

So, this week I was having a conversation with one of our junior instructors, a dedicated young person who's part of our Certified Instructor Training (CIT) program. We were talking about what it really means to be a leader, especially when you're on the dojang floor. We touched on something really core to our philosophy here at NEXTStep Martial Arts, something that I think every parent can relate to in their own way.

I asked her, "What area do you feel like you're absolutely nailing it as an instructor?" She quickly pointed to working with our Tiny Tigers, the youngest kids. She said she could connect with them, talk to them in their language – like telling them to sit like a 'super Taekwondo ninja' instead of just 'sit like a black belt' – and that they listen to her. She felt in control with them.

But when we talked about working with older kids, or even navigating a room when she's not with her closest friends, her comfort level shifted. She admitted that sometimes the older ones are "less into it," and that she feels less in control.

Here’s what I told her, and this is important for parents to hear too, because it speaks to the environment we work so hard to create for all our students.

I said, when I invite someone to join our CIT program, it has nothing to do with whether you can teach a perfect kick or straighten out a row of students. It’s about how you make people feel. When students come in, and they feel better because you are there, that's what it is. That's a leader.

The Power of Feeling Connected

I gave her an example. I asked her to imagine coming to class and not having her best friends there, the ones she always enjoys being around. What would that class feel like? She agreed that it wouldn't be as much fun, not as pleasant.

And then I asked, "Why is that?"

She said it’s because they're best friends, they're a team, and they can relate to each other. They feel safe and happy together, and the whole activity becomes more fun. Does that make sense? Of course, it does.

So, here's what's going to happen. As a leader, what I expect you to do is create that same sense of positive emotion and comfort for everybody who comes here, even if they aren't your best friends. That's the next level.

That's what a CIT is doing, even when they're not explicitly "teaching." It's about cultivating the environment.

The Uncomfortable Truth: Who Needs You Most?

Then we went deeper on the subject, to a place that’s a bit uncomfortable, but incredibly powerful for building character and leadership.

I told her, "When it's time to pick partners, and you quickly scan everyone in the room, and your gut tells you, 'I don't want to work with him or her' – that's the first person you need to go and work with."

Think about that for a second. It sounds counterintuitive, right? But here's why. There's usually a reason you don't want to work with that person. Most likely, he or she needs the most help. They might not be as focused, they might be unstructured, they might be the ones creating some minor disruptions during class time.

By you choosing to work with him or her first, you, as a good student and aspiring leader, are actually helping us to get the class organized quickly. You're helping us get started quickly. If all the best students just pair up with each other, then we're left with a few kids who are struggling, and they're the ones who really could use your help. You will get burned, in a way, if you avoid it.

It’s about making a conscious choice to step out of your comfort zone, to push yourself to the next level of leadership and empathy. It’s about not just chasing bigger things for yourself, but helping others take their next step too.

A Test of True Leadership

I gave another example. We've all seen a student who usually gets left out, who isn't the first one picked for a partner. I told her, "Be that person who goes there. Because you know you're not going to be stuck with them the whole time."

And if they say, "No, I don't want to work with you," or "I don't like you" – that shouldn't bother you. I've had that happen to me! You just ignore it for the moment. Okay. You can say, "Okay, but let me know when you're ready." Your opinion of me does not bother me. Later on, I might try to find out why you don't like me, but not in a confrontational way.

This is what we’re teaching our kids: true leadership isn't about being popular or comfortable. It's about having the courage to extend a hand to someone who might push it away, to create a welcoming space for everyone, and to choose connection over comfort, especially when it's hard.

Because that's how we build confident children, focused families, and a martial arts community where everyone truly belongs and everyone can take the next step.

That's what it is. Does that make sense?

Ready to see it in person? Every new family starts with a free intro class — no contracts, no pressure. Book your child's free class or call (717) 457-0023.