Choosing Connection Over Comfort: Why We Reach for the Students Who Need Us Most

It’s Not About Who You Like. It’s About Who Needs You

This week, I was talking with one of our junior instructors, a dedicated young person in our Certified Instructor Training, or CIT, program. We were talking about what leadership really means when you are on the dojang floor. And we came to something important, something every parent can understand in their own way.

I asked her, “What part of instructing do you feel like you are really doing well?” Right away, she said working with our Tiny Tigers, the youngest kids. She knows how to connect with them. She talks in their language. Instead of saying, “Sit like a black belt,” she might tell them to sit like a “super Taekwondo ninja.” They listen to her, and she feels in control.

But when we talked about working with the older kids, or being in a room without her closest friends, that comfort level changed. She said sometimes the older students are less into it, and she does not feel as much in control.

So I told her something that is important for parents to hear too. This is the kind of environment we work hard to create for every student.

When I invite someone into our CIT program, it is not because they can teach a perfect kick or straighten out a row of students. Those things matter, but that is not the main thing. The main thing is how you make people feel. When students come in and they feel better because you are there, that’s what it is. That is a leader.

Why Feeling Connected Matters

I gave her an example. I asked her to imagine coming to class and not having her best friends there, the people she always enjoys being around. What would that class feel like?

She agreed. It would not be as much fun. It would not feel as pleasant.

Then I asked, “Why is that?”

She said it is because they are best friends. They are a team. They can relate to each other. They feel safe and happy together, so the whole activity becomes more enjoyable. If that makes sense. Of course it does.

Now, here is the next level. As a leader, I expect you to create that same positive feeling for everybody who comes here, even when those students are not your best friends. You cannot only keep the fire going for the people you already feel comfortable with. You have to help create that feeling for everyone.

That is what a CIT is doing, even when they are not standing there explicitly teaching. They are helping shape the environment. They are helping students feel connected.

The Uncomfortable Question: Who Needs You Most?

Then we went a little deeper. This part can be uncomfortable, but it is very powerful when you are building character and leadership.

I told her, “When it is time to pick partners, and you look around the room and your gut says, ‘I do not want to work with him or her’—that is the first person you need to go work with.”

Think about that for a second. It sounds backwards, right? But there is usually a reason you do not want to work with that person. Most likely, that student needs the most help. Maybe they are not as focused. Maybe they are unstructured. Maybe they are the one creating small disruptions during class.

When you choose to work with that student first, you are helping us organize the class. You are helping everyone get started faster. At the end of the day, if all the best students pair up with each other, we are left with a few kids who are struggling, and those are the students who really need your help.

If you keep avoiding them, you will get burned in a way. You miss the chance to help, and the class has a harder time moving forward. That is just how it is.

This is a conscious choice to step outside your comfort zone. You are pushing yourself to the next level of leadership and empathy. Leadership is not only about chasing bigger things for yourself. It is also about helping someone else take their next step.

A Real Test of Leadership

We have all seen a student who gets left out, someone who is not the first person chosen for a partner. I gave her another example.

I told her, “Be the person who goes there. Go work with that student, because you already know you are not going to be stuck with them forever.”

And what if that student says, “No, I do not want to work with you,” or, “I do not like you”? That should not bother you. I have had that happen to me! You ignore it for the moment. You can say, “Okay, but let me know when you are ready.”

Their opinion of you does not have to control you. Later, maybe you try to understand why they do not like you, but you do not do it in a confrontational way. You stay calm. You leave the door open.

This is what we are teaching our kids. True leadership is not about being popular, and it is not about always feeling comfortable. It is having the courage to reach out to someone who might push your hand away. It is creating a welcoming space for everybody. It is choosing connection over comfort, especially when that choice is difficult.

That is how we build confident children, focused families, and a martial arts community where everyone belongs and everyone can take the next step. You are going to run into roadblocks. No doubt about that. But you do not stop reaching for people just because it is easier to stay with the friends you already know. That is what it is. How about that?

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